Monday, January 9, 2012

Never be careful with what you wish for, Part One.

I've often been told that when you pray for the right thing, it comes to you. But what is right? What if you're asking the universe for the wrong thing, but your view is skewed by a zillion questions and concerns. Questions like: what your mother would say, how your friends would view you, what strangers might think of you, or how does this look compared to what that person does? And concerns like: this isn't practical, thinking that way will only disappoint you later, dream on!

I figured, well then, I'd better just wish for a zillion things right back. There must be a genuine wish somewhere in that mess, and if I keep asking for the fulfillment of them, one of them must turn out. 

Just this weekend, after re-reading The Flinch for about the 2.5th time with "Downtown Abbey" playing quietly in the background, I looked at my surroundings. I've lived in this apartment for nearly 4 years. I thought it would be temporary, but I turned it into what passes as a home because I hate moving so much. I now have two cats, both snoozing on my legs as I comfortably read to the sound of soothing British accents. 

I'm too damn comfortable. When I pressed against my boundaries last fall by starting business school, I came screaming back. Not to say I don't think that was the right choice, to run away screaming, more on that in a second, but I immediately settled back into my routine. And that cold I got? Its twin reared its head and took me down this winter. 

It's been theorized that children often get sick (with common colds, nothing crazy or viral) when they are pushing through an internal boundary, or growing in some way. The mind and body is transitioning, throwing inner systems off-whack, and boom. The kid is now super-susceptible to illness. Would it be crazy to propose that I keep getting sick this winter because a part of me is afraid of not moving forward, now that I've gotten off the graduate school train? Perhaps something inside me has gotten tired of feeling stagnant, tired of the same relationships that don't work, and tired of wondering what my potential could be if I let myself be creative and passionate about my job (note: in a new way, I love said job).

It's hard to admit this to yourself when you know how lucky you already are. But if there's one thing I've learned from the past few jam-packed months of a broken spirit, broken heart, and a seemingly broken immune system, it's that wanting to improve something in your life does not take any value away from what  you already have. My job is great, but I can make it better. I'm passionate, but I could be more so. I love and live to dance, but I could pour even more energy into this. I love my friends and family and some of my friends I consider my family (how lucky), but I still want a boyfriend. Memorable people will always break through what's considered fine and good, so why don't I do this?

And today, I got the answer I've been asking for. 

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